Consistent Kindness

In a generally selfish, “ME”-Oriented culture, does consistent Kindness still make sense?

This is a question that I am asked regularly by clients and people who are a little frustrated with the way the world has gone lately. There can be no doubt that there is a trend in our culture towards a bit of a selfish, “ME”-Oriented focus. Today we have “I”-Tunes, we use the “I”-Phone and the “I”-Touch, and everyone is pretty excited about the “I”-Pad coming out shortly. It seems that our world has gradually moved to a model where it is all, or at least mostly, about “ME”, and less and less about others and consistent Kindness. This is tragic because Confucius said, passing down to us wisdom from the ages, that we should, “Forget injuries, but never forget kindnesses.” Kindness, compassion and selflessness are qualities which we desperately need to see more of.

Researchers at the University of California, Berkley, are challenging long-held beliefs that human beings are wired to be selfish. In a wide range of studies, social scientists are amassing a growing body of evidence to show that we are successful as a species precisely because of our nurturing, altruistic and compassionate traits. The most successful and the most fulfilled are generally those who care and show empathy towards others. They call it, “the survival of the kindest”. Even Albert Einstein said that, "Only a life lived for others is worth living."

So, does it make sense to show consistent Kindness, or should we fall for the mantra that “it’s all about me?” Personally, I am big on Karma. Karma speaks a lot about the energy we emanate and the life we project. What we emanate and project tends to come back to us. I like to think of Karma as similar to the law of sowing and reaping. The things we do come back to us; what we speak gets said back to us; what we sow we reap. So, why not live, speak, and show consistent Kindness? Mark Twain said that, “Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and blind can read." Wow!

Kindness is Caring & Compassion. Care and compassion are fundamental spiritual values and sacred human rights. People always have a right to care and compassion. The beauty about showing care and compassion is that it makes us happy, and the one we are giving it to happy as well. As the Dalai Lama said, “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” The truth is that you can never give enough Kindness. At times we feel like we have exhausted our capacity to pour out Kindness and generosity and nurture; but I guarantee this, if we dig a little deeper we will find more to give!

Kindness is Comforting & Completing. There are times when we feel that those around us need direction and correction and instruction. We want to be the ones who teach, instruct, direct, and even correct. Though it may be true that a person needs those things, make sure that before you offer them, you offer comfort. Authentic comfort and soothing calm work wonders in dealing with people! When people we love or care about are struggling, first offer a hug; then offer a roadmap. Kindness will put them in a much better place to receive. I love what Henry Ward Beecher said: "Compassion will cure more sins than condemnation." This is the essence of Kindness.

Kindness is Creating… Hope… Vision… Dreams… A future. It is amazing the singular difference that true Kindness can make in the life of another human being. So many people wrestle to believe in themselves, and so of course, they live their lives at about 25-50% of their true potential. Kindness and acceptance creates a sense in people of true worth and value… which in essence act as fuel for their hopes, visions, and dreams. It is amazing to realize that we have power to activate the hopes, vision and dreams of another! As Albert Pike said: “What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal."

Kindness is Clarifying & Coaching. We do people no favor by just patting them on the back if they are on the way to walking off a cliff. Part of true Kindness is working through issues and difficulties and even errors in judgment with people; but proactively working toward a solution! Asking questions in the right time, helping people to discern between one choice and another, and helping people grow in their capacity to know healthy vs. unhealthy are all traits of consistent Kindness. Clarifying and coaching people towards healthy positive choices for themselves and those they care about is authentic and rich Kindness!

Kindness is Contagious. The end result of kindness is that it draws people to you. No one likes to be around a person who is judgmental, impatient, and intolerant. Remember well the words of William Wordsworth as you continue your journey: “The best portion of a good man's life; his little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and of love.”

As we close this little piece, a question I have often asked is why are some people seeming to be naturally Kind and compassionate and caring, and others are not? Some folks seem to resonate Kindness in every interaction, and others will, only when “forced”.

Why are some not kind? The simplest answer, as far as I can tell, is that we live what we learn, and what we are taught. In other words, some of us came from environments where Kindness and compassion was demonstrated to us, where tenderness was normal, where gentleness was customary. Others simply did not. Perhaps we all need to take some time and evaluate what we were taught, and thus how we are living. If we did not receive Kindness, we may have to consciously choose to work a little harder at it than others. But with persistence, and patience and gentleness with ourselves, we will surely get there.

Remember the words of Helen Keller: "Happiness cannot come from without. It must come from within. It is not what we see and touch or that which others do for us which makes us happy; it is that which we think and feel and do, first for the other fellow and then for ourselves."