Dealing With The Pain

Her cries are still ringing in my ears as they pierced through the room. “It hurts!!… (sob)… It hurts so bad!!... (cry)… Can’t anyone do anything about this pain?... (sob)… It just hurts so bad!!! (cry)…” She would quiet down for a moment, and then begin again. “It hurts!!… (sob)… It hurts so bad!! (cry)… Can’t anyone do anything about this pain?? (sob)… It just hurts so bad!! (cry)…”

On and on and on she cried, having let go of any and all self-control due to the pain she felt. Joanne cried and cried and cried that night, loudly interrupting the sleep of 30 women in the room with her and 150 men across the other side of the barrier separating the men from the women. Our homeless shelter is used to evening interruptions, but the intensity and emotion of her cry was so poignant that you could feel it every time she opened her mouth. Finally, we called Emergency Medical Services.

To back up for a moment, when Joanne walked into the shelter, she appeared to be fine. She walked in on her own strength, and seemed cheerful and pleasant, as always. Upon signing in, she went right to bed, and appeared to be in no pain at all. But, Joanne struggles with addiction, and our best guess is that as she fell asleep and the drugs wore off, the pain, which the drugs so skillfully masked, was now being exposed. The pain was always there, but was not felt due to the illusory power of the drug.

As I was thinking about this, I thought about how true this is in so many of our lives. We carry pain; sometimes loads and loads of serious pain. But, we have become adept at dulling our pain. These “pain-relievers” can be actual drugs or alcohol, or a relationship, money, success, perhaps a certain career. It can be a level of education or attaining some great goal. It can be an experience or event; something we do. But the bottom line is that as long as our “drug” lasts, the pain is dulled and we don’t have to deal with it.

But, the reality is that at some point, our personal drug always wears off. The relationship may end, or the job may be terminated. The money runs out. The experience loses its impact. The praise ceases. But whatever it is, the “pain-reliever” has faded and the underlying wound, which was always there but pushed down, is now back in our face screaming to be dealt with. And at that moment, like Joanne, we all have a choice.

The choice that is before us when the pain screams again is simple: “D.E.A.L.” With It…

1) “D” - Decide To Stop Medicating – At some point, we have to turn off the illusions and get real. We have to stop medicating our pain, masking its existence in the hope that it will go away. We need to make a choice to deal with it, though that is far more difficult than continuing to simply relieve the pain. However, as lance Armstrong said: “Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but it will eventually subside and something else will take its place. If I quite, however, it lasts forever.”

2) “E” – Explore The Pain – Where did it some from? Why is the pain here? Are current events exclusively responsible, or are current events simply re-igniting a pain that has been dormant within for some time? Knowing the
source of your pain helps to disarm its power and gives you a clear path to take the next step…

3) “A” – Accept Responsibility For Getting Whole - The biggest challenge people have in dealing with their pain is the fact that in about 90% of the situations, the person in pain is not responsible for their pain. They are sufferers of abuse or neglect or abandonment or mistreatment. This can often lead to a bit of a “victim” mentality, where they are waiting for someone to come along and “fix” them. I know. I was hurt. And I allowed myself to become a victim, hoping that as one had hurt me, someone else would heal me. Time and experience “painfully” taught me that I need to heal myself, and this timeless
truth: Though others were responsible for causing my pain, only I am responsible for dealing with it.

4) “L” – Love Yourself, Respect Yourself, Be Good To Yourself – Dealing with your pain, and healing your pain, as I have learned, is a journey ultimately about loving yourself, respecting yourself, and being good to yourself. This is not some selfish, self-centered, “all about me” type of world where all that matters is you. It is about carving out little slices of time, precious moments where you can nurture and tend to your own needs before the needs of the world. Taking time in the hot tub, time in the spa or with a massage therapist, time to exercise, time to prepare and eat your favorite meal, time to read a book, time with precious friends, time to volunteer, time to pray or reflect or meditate. When we do these things, we are far better equipped to help others in the long run anyways.

Joanne did get help that night, and my hope is that in my life in yours, when the medication dulls and the pain roars, we will take some time to “D.E.A.L.” With It.

S.H.A.R.P. Goals To Enhance Your Edge

When it comes to goal setting, most of us are pretty familiar with the acronym “S.M.A.R.T.” Goals. It is a well-known concept, and is generally effective. “S.M.A.R.T.” Goals are generally defined as the following:
S - Specific – Achieving something specific.
M - Measurable – A clear measuring stick.
A - Attainable – Setting the bar effectively.
R - Realistic – A goal that stretches and yet is still realistic.
T - Time Frame – A clear time frame for completion.

There was a time in my life when I was terrible at goal-setting. Here’s why:
- Too Much, Too Soon… I’d try to tackle too many things at once, too fast…
- The “Sprint” Syndrome… I wouldn’t pace myself. I would see it all as a sprint, not a marathon.
- Setting Goals Out Of Guilt, Not Personal Initiative… This is popular in self-help circles. We hear so many “good ideas” that we try to do them all. We set goals because it’s a good idea, and not out of a genuine felt need.
- No Specifics… The goal was vague and unspecific. If you aim for nothing, you will probably hit nothing!
- No Teamwork… Here we set off to achieve our goals and do not include a team and a coach. We all need a support system to achieve our goals.
- I Beat Myself Up When I Failed… In the process of achieving our goals, we will mess it up a few times. Don’t let a stumble be your burial.
- Laziness... The bottom line is that you may have the loftiest goals, the highest ideals, the noblest dreams, and the purest ambitions, but remember, nothing works unless you do!
- I Believed I Would Fail... Dale Carnegie said, “Believe that you will succeed. Believe it firmly, and you will then do what is necessary to bring success about”. You gotta believe in you!

Abraham Lincoln said that, "A goal properly set is halfway reached”. This tells us that there is a proper way to set goals, and an improper way. In other words, if we take the time to set our goals correctly, we will succeed! Not only do I love “S.M.A.R.T. Goals”, but I also love “S.H.A.R.P. Goals”. When we have S.H.A.R.P. Goals that are focused, we have the same increase in power that a laser beam has over a light bulb.

SHARP Goals To Enhance Your Edge:

S – Significant & Salient

Our goals need to be Significant. They need to be meaningful, momentous, and substantial. When our goal is Significant, there is a sense of mission and calling which inspires us to get it done! Does your goal inspire you? Does your goal engage your passion? Daniel Burnham said this: “Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir men’s blood”. Develop goals that are dynamic, that are challenging and emotive!

And, our goals need to be Salient. Salient speaks to clear, noticeable, relevant, and obvious. Our goals need to be clear and obvious. We need to be crystal clear about what we are aiming for, and allow this clarity to guide us.

H - Healthy & Holistic

Our goals need to be birthed in the womb of Healthy motivation. Goals which are pursued for unhealthy reasons often cause us more pain than good, and flow with negative energy, stress, manipulation and control. Healthy motivation is empowering, and flows with positive energy. It is accompanied by a spirit of peace, rest, and patient intensity.

And, our goals need to be Holistic. This means that they should complement, and, take into consideration, their impact on the 7 Spans Of Life. A fully Holistic approach will facilitate and flow with the 7 Spans Of Life that make up the Wellness Wheel: Mental, Emotional, Physical, Spiritual, Relational, Professional, and Financial.

A - Accountable & Actionable

Accountability speaks to a vertical relationship. In other words, this is someone you report to on the progress of your goals. If something is important enough to us that we set a goal, it should be important enough that we invite someone in and give them permission to keep us accountable. Ultimately, the most important form of accountability is self-accountability, but early in our growth towards consistently achieving our goals, we may need to create a bridge in the form of accountability to others. Family. Friends. Partners. Co-workers.

Actionable speaks to goals that cause us to DO something. A “S.H.A.R.P. Goal” is not a concept, but a call to personal revolution. I love this from William James (1842-1910), psychologist & philosopher: “To change one’s life: 1. Start immediately. 2. Do it flamboyantly. 3. No exceptions.”

R – Risk-Oriented & Results-Oriented

Take a Risk! Nothing ventured, nothing gained! The time of sitting in 100% safety and security, hoping for monumental gains, is over. Setting realistic goals is important, but not so realistic that there is no risk involved! As I have heard it said in the past: “Why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where the fruit is?”

And, our goals need to be focused on achievable, measurable Results. Generally, when we set out to achieve any goal, we do a CBA: Cost-Benefit Analysis. We weigh the cost to achieve this goal against the benefits and results of achieving it. Thus, when we create “S.H.A.R.P. Goals” that are Results-Oriented, it helps us to create a feeling of progress, and it reinforces that we made the right decision when we set out to accomplish this goal.

P – Partnered & Persevered

Partnering speaks to a horizontal relationship. We will accomplish far more when we have partners. Every effective partnership in goal achievement consists of a team and a coach. We all need a support system to achieve our goals. Only in old Westerns do people go it alone and succeed!

And, we need to Persevere. The value of simple perseverance and stick-ability cannot be overstated. By perseverance the snail reached the Ark!

Richard Gaylord Briley said, “At this very moment you are WHO you are and WHERE you are because of what you’ve allowed to inhabit your goal-box”.

What’s in your Goal-Box? “S.H.A.R.P. Goals” will enhance your edge!

How To Start What You Want To Finish

“It’s not how you start, but how you finish.”

Years ago I heard this saying, which I’m sure we have all heard. This is a pithy portion of wisdom that resonates and makes sense, on several levels. Sometimes we can get off to a great start, and yet have a less than stellar finish. This is not a desirable outcome. Sometimes we launch out with energy and vitality and enthusiasm and full engagement, only to have the wind taken out of our sails before we cross the finish line. This is not a desirable outcome.

However, with some years, maturity, and hopefully wisdom, I have come to see that not only is finishing important, but so is starting. A healthy start is as important as a healthy finish. How you start and how you finish serve to balance each other. One is a ying, the other a yang. If only one is present, the rest will be incomplete.

Actually, there is a lot to be said for beginnings. How we begin things is crucial. We need to spend time perfecting the process before we pounce on the activity. The gestation period in the womb of our soul is crucial for winning and succeeding in life. Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche said, “Everyone thinks that the principal thing to the tree is the fruit, but in point of fact the principal thing to it is the seed.” All of us long for the fruit… but the seed is the key. The entire purpose of a seed is simply to germinate life, given the right conditions. Within one seed is enough life to plant a forest, grow a farm, and feed a community. So here are a few key words for getting the seed right.

Motivation… To begin our beginning correctly, we need to pay attention to our motivation. If our motivation is unhealthy, selfish, or flowing from bitterness, chances are, it will not turn out well in the end. Healthy motivation leads to life, success, and positive energy. Unhealthy motivations lead to hurt, heartache and pain.

Visualization… Do you see yourself vibrantly achieving and succeeding in your goal, or do you feel the hints of failure, not finishing, and not achieving? I cannot overstate the importance of visualization. As Alberta Einstein said, “Logic will get you from A to B. Imagination will take you everywhere.” Before any major goal can be achieved, the goal must first become a reality in the subconscious mind. When we learn how to use the imagination, when we imagine a goal being achieved, so much that the feelings we have about the goal are the same as if the goal as already been achieved, then that goal becomes a reality. Your faith box and self-mirror determine your whole life: what you think, feel, experience and do; what you create, grow, build and dream. You are thinking, feeling, experiencing and doing what your faith-box contains and what your self-mirror shows. You are creating, growing, building and dreaming what your faith-box allows and what your self-mirror permits. Mahatma Ghandi said that, “If I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning.” And Jesus said that, “All things are possible to him that believes…”

Planning… Though our plans rarely go exactly, “according to plan”, success is seldom accidental. Planning positions you for success in a way that the complete lack of a plan never can. I personally believe that this is because in our planning, we engage ourselves at the level of the subconscious and at the level of our belief system, but also engage the conscious and the cognitive and the logical. This fusion of the subconscious mind and the conscious mind produces success! Plan it to achieve it!

Perseverance… Sticking it out, through obstacles and difficulties and even boredom. See, boredom is the path to greatness! Martin Parnell, the semi-retired mining engineer from Cochrane, Alberta, recently finished his quest to run 250 marathons in 2010! Can you imagine? 250 marathons in one year! Interestingly enough, when asked what was the toughest part of running all these marathons, he said it was combating monotony. As Parnell said, running 250 marathons in 2010 was, “deadly boring” . Wow! Sometimes we quit, not because the mountain is too high or because the obstacles are too large, but because we are bored walking through the low parts. Stick it out!

Dream big in 2011, because those closest to you and the world around you need you to! But as you dream, insure you start correctly, so that then you can finish correctly. Happy New Year!